Turkey Day

Thanksgiving has wound down and I'm again left wondering why its called Turkey Day. I know the answer is that turkey is the traditional centerpiece food for the day, but I find the name to be highly ironic and somewhat inappropriate. Turkey Day is the day when huge numbers of turkeys are massacred and eaten. Happy Turkey Day indeed. We don't massacre and eat untold numbers of childbearing females on Mothers Day, nor their male counterparts on Fathers Day. Christmas, for those who celebrate it, generally does not involve self-cannibalism.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. I thought about it and it's true to some degree; Thanksgiving is the most widely celebrated American holiday among the event-based holidays (holidays based on events that happened or allegedly happened, as opposed to arbitrary holidays like New Year which was just kind of chosen as the date and nothing actually happened except the passing of a year). The only group that probably doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving? Native Americans, the ones who started it in the first place. More irony. Although I wonder if Thanksgiving is celebrated among Native Americans but as a dark remembrance day?

To make this sports related, here are some Bay Area Sports Turkey Awards with special guest presenter and BASTA Hall of Famer Mike Dunleavy Jr.

One leg goes to Mike Nolan, who appears to be on his last leg with the underachieving and unwatchable 49ers. Nolmoe's offense is more dodo than turkey, though the defense has performed admirably. It's a sad state of affairs when the pride of the team is the punter.

One wing goes to Alex Smith. Smithleavy has been a huge bust for the Niners and is threatening to take Nolmoe down with him. Much like a turkey wing, Smith's arm is just for show, has little function, and can never take flight.

One breast goes to the Cal cheerleaders (dance team, whatever), who could use some, umm, upgrading. I was at the basketball game a few days ago and one of the girls looked like she got pistol-whipped by a makeup gun.

One side salad goes to the Stanfurd cheerleaders. And please stop chugging the gravy.

One drumstick goes to the Sharks. Like most years, they can eat the tasty meat during the regular season and choke on the bone in the playoffs.

One serving of white meat goes to the Cal football team. The color matches the flag they've been waiving since mid October.

One pumpkin pie goes to the Golden State Warriors. Once in a while it tastes good, but in the end its just a dressed up pumpkin. 2012 playoffs here we come!

One dirty empty plate goes to the Raiders and A's. There used to be something there at some point but no one remembers and no one cares except that they want it out of sight.

The carving knife goes to Jim Harbaugh, who will carve the turkey with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind.